This one was written by Katy Shafer.  Thanks for reading!


Reading Demelza Hays’ fun article about the top 10 reasons to only date ancap ladies got me thinking about some of the really serious reasons that someone might want to limit their romantic relationships to other voluntaryists.  I’m lucky enough to be in an awesome marriage with a wonderful voluntaryist man, and it is by far the most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever had. I recognize that finding someone who shares your values is difficult, especially if you’re an ancap man looking for a woman, but I believe that if our values are true, that’s worth holding out for. If we really live in the violent, fucked up global system that I believe we do, to date someone who supports that system would be shooting ourselves in the foot. Here are the top ten reasons to hold out for (or convert!) the one.


10. It’s fun to be able to talk politics without always debating the basics.

Once you take force off the table, things get a lot more interesting. You can finally start to discuss the important questions such as “who will build the roads?”

In all seriousness, though, talking politics with a statist is a completely different ballgame than talking politics with a fellow voluntaryist. With the former, the assumption is that you’re debating about what people should be forced to do. With the latter, you’re working out how to solve problems in a free world. If your partner does not accept the premise of the non-aggression principle, any discussion about how society could work better will always be stuck on a base level.


9. You can be yourself.

Talking about how you really feel about sensitive topics puts you in a very emotionally vulnerable situation. No one likes to feel invalidated all the time. Even if you’re not dealing with a particularly aggressive person, facing constant arguments or dismissals of your opinions is exhausting and frustrating. In my experience, it eventually leads to avoidance of those topics altogether- and if you can’t talk about your true feelings, you’re hiding a serious part of your personality from your partner.

In a relationship with someone who shares your values, there’s no hiding. You can feel confident and comfortable in fully expressing yourself and your opinions, even if you might disagree on some details.

8. You can get along in the same social circles.

People gravitate towards like-minded people for the same reason I talked about above- you can feel comfortable expressing your full self. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to completely isolate yourself in a liberty bubble, but if we didn’t feel the need for a bubble sometimes, there would be no Dating a statist means that every time you want to go to that bubble, you need to leave your significant other behind. The friends you make based on mutual values won’t share that same foundation with your significant other, and it’ll be tough for them to move beyond acquaintance status.


7. It’s awesome to have a partner who “gets it.”

Let’s face it, it’s a lonely world out there for an ancap. Even though we have our havens, the vast majority of the people we meet and the media we encounter espouse views that are diametrically opposed to our own. Our world is divided into countries that subjugate the people within their borders and make enemies of the people outside. We live in a world where you need to get permission to cut your neighbor’s hair for $5, or risk attack from the state. We deal with this shit in little ways, and big ones, every single day. It’s important that you and your SO can relate on that level in order to help each other through life’s struggles. To find someone like that is rare, but it’s something worth searching for.


6. Solid relationships are based on mutual respect.

Can you honestly say that you intellectually respect statist views, or do you see them as a product of delusion and indoctrination? On the other hand, statists that I interact with are either open to ancap ideas or they believe that I’m living in some sort of crazy pipe dream.

If either person in a relationship believes deep down that the other is crazy, indoctrinated, or delusional, that’s not the type of respectful foundation you need in order to work with each other through all of life’s big questions. Only couples that have a basis of intellectual and emotional respect can help each other pursue truth and happiness.


5. You’re living your values.

As a voluntaryist, you’re committed to the non-aggression principle and you’ve carried it through to it’s logical conclusion in regards to the state. If you then claim to love someone who advocates aggression and violence against nonviolent people (whether it be banning drugs or ‘regulating’ industries), you are, in a way, going against your values. That’s not to say that you can’t have any sort of casual relationship with the ~99.9999% of the population who disagrees, but when you’re dating and searching for the person to hopefully spend the rest of your life with, living your values is an important and wonderful thing.


4. Tolerance of different political ideals is bullshit.

On that note, many people would say that to limit relationships with people who don’t share your political views is intolerant and extreme. People talk as if politics is an unchosen, unchanging, irrelevant feature of a person like skin color or height. On the contrary, politics is a statement of values and judgements about what (if anything) a person feels justified in using violence for. Statism is the essence of intolerance. To call one’s self a Democrat, a Republican, a Green Party member, etc. is to say that you support aggression against peaceful people for a certain set of reasons that the party has decided on (and continues to change its mind on). In a serious relationship, to tolerate that is bullshit.


3. If someone is blind to the violence of the state, they’re probably blind in other areas as well.

I’ve been there. I was a liberal Democrat, and I could not see the state’s aggression. If someone told me that democracy was coercive, or that majority rule was equivalent to mob rule, I would perform a mental gymnastics routine of olympic proportions to maintain my belief that the government was voluntary, not based on violence, and fundamentally good!

At that time, I’ll be honest, I was pretty crazy in other areas of life as well. That type of indoctrination and delusion doesn’t just touch your political beliefs. It touches your relationships and the way you approach life in general. If a person has learned that type of mental gymnastics, I guarantee they aren’t wasting that skill by using it in just one area. It might take some digging, and it’s different for everyone, but you will find the other places that defense mechanism lives.


2. You need to be on the same page about how to raise your children.

I cannot emphasize this point enough. If you are in the dating game with the end goal of finding a spouse and starting a family, you need to be thinking about how you want to raise your children. It is imperative that you do not have children with someone who will want to send them to public schools and raise them in a way that isn’t peaceful. I understand that it’s difficult to find other voluntaryists out there, especially if you’re looking for women. Finding an open minded, generally peaceful person and reasoning with them can work wonders as well, but don’t marry someone unless you know that you are on the same page. Don’t marry someone who isn’t as committed to voluntaryism as you are, especially in the family. Do not sacrifice your future children in order to have an easier time finding a partner. Living your values is not just for you, it’s for them.


1. A voluntaryist is a voluntaryist in their personal life too.

Being a voluntaryist is not just an abstract belief about what the ideal society would look like, it is a commitment to non-aggression and voluntary interaction. That carries over to the personal life too. Verbal abuse, threats, intimidation tactics, and even violence are unfortunately common features of relationships these days, especially in how children are treated. Obviously not everyone who calls themselves an ancap or a voluntaryist is a perfect person who never slips into aggressive tactics, but if you’ve found someone who is committed to voluntaryism and is able to recognize aggressive behavior, you’ve got yourself a good start. If they’re sexy and sometimes bake cookies too, that’s someone worth hanging on to.